Sunday, April 26, 2009

Hey! (Again)

Washington! Nevada! Utah! Montana! Wyoming! New Mexico! North Dakota! South Dakota! Oklahoma! Iowa! Arkansas! Louisiana! Mississippi! New Hampshire! Maine!

It's like you want me to fail. Stand up and be counted, people! (i.e., Visit my blog. You'll only be smarter after enjoying my brain explosions, I assure you.) Let me think of a good reason And I have a good reason for each of you...

Washington, Seattle's a trendsetter, and here you are, missing this opportunity.

Nevada! I've seen CSI! I know everyone is busy murdering or being murdered, but consider this an escape from your sad reality into my sad reality.

My husband has family in Utah. So we're related! Ish.

Montana, you should visit my blog because I feel really sorry for you on account of that Hannah chick stealing your name.

Hey, Wyoming, on your website (did you know you had one?) it says, "Get a feel for Wyoming." They're serious about this, people. It's in italics. Let me stand up and say, I think it's only fair that, if you get a feel, you should give a feel. Share and share alike, folks.

New Mexico, you kick Old Mexico's ass. Truly.

North Dakota, you rock because you are so above South Dakota.

South Dakota, you rock because you don't have to be near Canada the way North Dakota does.

OOOOOOOO-klahoma where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain! Okay, I'm sure that's what everyone says, but I mean it!

Iowa totally kicked my state's ass in the race to legalize gay marriage. Seriously, who saw that coming?

My grandparents were from Arkansas. So we're related! Ish.

Louisiana, like Italy, you are shaped like a boot (and not like a floppy winter sock- I swear I never said that). That is culture.

Oh, em-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-hump-back-hump-back-eye. Need I say more?

Isn't it enough, New Hampshire, that I noticed you on the map?

My sister has family in Maine! So we're related! Ish!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Irish Suck

As we continue our landscape improving- we built our house a few years ago and therefore started with virgin land- the deer are being right bastards. Because I'm me, I took hours on my computer laying out the positioning for several evergreens (did someone says pine trees?) along one edge of our land. And the deer came along and chose four of the more delicate plants and ate them dead. This was after they stripped three brand new cherry trees to nothing. NOTHING. Now I've never been one for hunting- shut up, it's my blog, I don't care if you like hunting, take your whining elsewhere. That being said, I want these deer dead. Hang their corpses from the surrounding trees to warn the others! You eat what I have loved and cared for and spent money on, next time I poison it.


So anyway, four dead evergreens to be replaced. At the local nursery, we came across these gorgeous- and not so expensive considering they're over six feet tall- Irish Junipers (soft pine trees). Oh, damn, almost all of them were marked sold! Only three left! Quick, take the tags and get the dude to mark these two sold for us!

We scrambled and got the two we wanted. As it's against either of our natures to ask for help, we pulled the car around to load them ourselves. And discovered that our lovely soft Junipers... hurt like hell. Hurt. Bad. Ohmygodthepain. It was bad enough that they were super heavy and not in pots, instead wrapped in burlap and rope. But these oh-so-pretty top heavy plants were so stingy-scratchy that I was in pain on my forearms for hours. To add injury to injury, Sam and I both managed to smack each other in the face with these Satan-trees when we were planting them.

On the positive side- because I'm a silver-lining kinda girl- I dare those friggin' deer to try to eat these.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I Also Don't Bother Explaining Wreaths

Emily was helping unload the dishwasher. As she went to put away the bulb portion of a turkey baster, "What's this thing?"

Ever tried to explain half a turkey baster? Not worth it. I would have had to search for the other portion, which I probably already destroyed if history rings true. No idea why, they simply don't last in this house. So I went with the normal mom answer. "Don't worry about it."

And Emily went with the normal Emily... "It looks like it could suck your eye!" She then proceeded to squeeze it, press it against her eye, and release. Floop! "OW!"

Yeah. That's about right. For crying in the night. At least she still has her eye.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My sinuses can go straight to hell.

I'm sick. Again. I've narrowed down the cause to one of two things. Either Cate got me sick- the more likely scenario, or all the dust we've created through some minor demo and construction in our house has clogged me up, encouraging a sinus infection. I'm pretty sure it's Cate, though.

I had a bad time at work last night because I felt slightly drunk from the pressure in my head/sinus/ears. A little foggy, a little dizzy. On the positive side, I didn't deal with any crap customers (that I can remember?).

The problem is, I'm finally feeling motivated to get my house really clean, what with some free time due to one of my jobs being over for the season, and with new, fresh construction making me feel inspired. But feeling hellish means that progress going down the drain.

So what to do? Answer: live vicariously through friend Cassie who is not feeling hellish and is also feeling inspired to do some home improvements. Cassie's husband is not happy with my meddling, I think. I encourage Cassie's home-remodeling bug. He needs only hear Cassie say, "Sarah and I have been discussing the kitchen," and the poor man knows his work load is about to explode. I'm pretty sure he hates me dead. Possibly, there is something off in Cassie's and my friendship...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Riddle From Ethan

1. I hop arond on Ester.

2. I am not a reptil.

3. I eat Yumey carets.

What am I?

Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Not a Six Word Saturday- also, Holy Crap, Y'all, I'm Back!

However, this post is inspired by Cate, nonetheless.

We built our house several years ago. It, therefore, did not have any landscaping. This leads to a lot more discussion for us about trees than I imagine the average couple has. Of this, much discussion falls to evergreens. For the most part, I don't like them- some, yes, I do like, and I even see how they are the best choice in certain situations. But, honestly, frickin' evergreens are frickin' everywhere. Sam can identify a hundred different trees, half of which are evergreens. (And Sam's world depends on things having the correct labels- things need to be the "right" way.) Partly because I can't be bothered, partly to annoy Sam, I refer to them all as "pines". So, yes, even when I know better, every evergreen is called a pine. And he wants to kill me when I say it. And that's completely the point.

I worked a lot of hours this week, about double my normal schedule. I had almost no free time- hadn't even turned my computer on. Finally getting a night off, Sam and I ended up at the mall on Friday. As we're walking through, Sam made some comment about the "Things Remembered" kiosk. Which I did not understand. So he talked a bit more. And I did not understand. He finally got exasperated, "Haven't you read Cate's blog?" To which I replied, "Are you effing kidding me? When?!?! When could I have done that?!?" He finally explained that bit, then went on to demand that I get on and comment on the fact that Cate said bugs slithered. Bugs don't slither, you see. They have legs. They can't slither. Legs! When I pointed out the he, himself, could have commented to that affect, he said he had indeed done so.

Me: And? What did she say?
Sam, annoyed: She said something about "in her world" they do.
Me: So? Then what am I supposed to do?
Sam: So you need to tell her!
Me: Tell her what? It's her world, her blog.
Sam: But that's not right! Bugs don't slither!
Me: Look, honey! Pine trees!
Sam: Son of a bitch!
Me: You know I have to blog about this now, right?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Six Word Saturday

Remember those bookshelves? I'm touch-up painting...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I've Escaped My Fate, Yet Again!

Alternate title: Jesus Loves Me, This I Know, for my Children Don't Curse Like Pirates

Ethan comes down the stairs while getting ready for school, half dressed.

Ethan: Mommy? Emily said a bad word.

Balancing my desire to not have them tattle-tale and my need to handle the children, Me: Okay. What word did she say?

After a pause, Ethan: The S-H word. The one you told Connor he couldn't say.

In my head, Me: Oh dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Suddenly, Ding! Outloud, Me: Shutup?

Ethan: Yeah! To me!

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. She shouldn't have said that.

Walking away, Ethan: Yeah.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Ethan Had to Bring Home a Note

April 1, 2009
Dear mom and dad,

I am sorry. I cald out. I was not following
directions. I was being rude.
I got detention. I climbd up the slide
I was throwing toys. I copyd a kid.
I got a card in my pocket. Love Ethan......

But it didn't end there. Side two:

Updated 3: Hey!

Nevada, Utah, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, Hawaii, and Oregon! Do you like being unaccounted for?

Updated: Oregon's off my s**t list! Woohoo! Thanks KlevaBich! Next!

Hello, Vermont!

Thanks, Kansas! I'd name you, blogger who visited from Kansas, but I'm not sure you want to be "outed".

Yet Another Phone-In

Part of an ad from my gmail:

Get tacky and sticky adhesive floor mats to keep dirt out.

Uhm, eww? They need to fire whoever decides their advertising.

Updated to say: I just thought of something. Gmail looked through my email and chose, based on that crap, that this was the ad for me. Double eww.