Do the right thing, New York Senate.

A little over a year and a half ago, I sort of ripped NYS a new one because of a defeated gay marriage bill. I swore and called names, threw in a minor threat or two...

Today, I am calmly calling for the Senate of New York State to simply look around, notice what the House has noticed. The majority of New York State residents are in favor of gay marriage. This is not a "gay" issue. This is a civil rights issue. This is not a religious issue. This is a civil rights issue.

Do not hide behind arguments of "forcing" churches to provide health care for the spouse of a gay employee. You can take all the semantics and bicker behind closed doors later. For now, recognize that his-and-her marriage is no more valid than his-and-his or her-and-her marriage.

Now's the time, New York.

Dear Charlie Sheen: wtf

Trashing Chuck Lorre? I've never seen him do anything but state the obvious about you, no name calling, and then express amazement of your ability to be not dead. You were foul and nasty and one step away from the slurring anti-semitic Mel Gibson. If you're not on drugs, if you're just high on life, then you have lingering pot smoke and cocaine dust in the air, not to mention a build up of lsd in your spinal fluid- been cracking your back a lot lately? Is there some urban legend about crystal meth remnants, too? If so, then it also applies. That, or the syphilis has gotten all the way to your brain.

Also, make up your mind- will you be surrounding yourself with a porn paradise or the love of your ex-wives and children? One or the other, asshole, you can't have both.

Another also? You've created a suck show. It's gone down the crapper along with you. Lorre's done all he could to keep it afloat with your stupid anchor ass. You are not Nathan Fillion and your show is not Firefly. Ergo, you have no mighty band of followers. Get over yourself.

boobs

Dear Beloved Reader,

A screenshot from the analytics for this blog. This is from this morning.

Don't do that. Mostly because I was forced to then do that same search. It came up with nothing, by the way. Til now.

Much love and no-seriously-does-this-look-like-the-blog-for-that,
Sarah

You know what Timer Warner Cable? Screw you.

You filthy bastards.

I get that you think you are technologically advanced. I get that you know that your fast-forward in On Demand mode is wonky at best, and I know that you know that I know that it is that way on purpose- makes it harder, in fact impossible, to fast-forward through those commercials that you add in in the midst of a show; oh, forgive me, that the network adds in.

Which, fine. I've not said a word. Commercials make the world go round. And you- at this goddamn point in time- limit those to commercials to 30 seconds spurts. So, fine, okay, a little bit of commercial.

Even though I pay through the nose.

For your shitty service that is so not fucking dependable that I have to watch shows On Demand because you fucking fail at recording things reliably.

And so I start a show up- one that I don't even particularly like- one that I watch because I'm most of the way into the season and I have an extraordinary sense of follow-through when it comes to shitty television series and because Cassie is watching it and I can't abandon her to face this hell alone- I start this show up and the first thing that comes across the screen is "*****". What. the. Mother Hell. What if I just want to catch the last four minutes- that bit that you mysteriously missed recording- instead of watching the whole thing? Ihateyouyousuck.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? You stupid kowtowing jackasses. Do you feel no sense of obligation to your customers? Are you going to allow these networks to simply keep walking all over us? Stand up for us.

You know what? I just watched one of the commercials. The first one was for the network, this one is for your service. You cancel fast-forwarding on this in order to force us to watch a commercial for an On Demand movie. Which means you are both assholes and you are using this as an example to show potential advertisers how they can pay you more money for more ad time.

So, since you're going to be making so much more money through this other source, you'll be lowering my bill, right? Right?

The next thing you'll do is make it so that we have to sit through five minutes of advertising, preemptively, every time we turn on the cable box.

You're welcome for the idea.

I'll be expecting my check in the mail.

You filthy bastards.

joven, the not-fun kind of slut.

Anyone ever notice how often I begin a post or a new paragraph with the word "so"? Not this time. This one is mid-paragraph. So, normally I don't respond at all to those comments that are like, "you write good! i right good to! you should visit and follow my blog!". There is not often a good way to reply; actually going to their blog, whether to check them out or blast them, is just feeding into their psychosis. Blasting them, as follows, just gives them more publicity. The one time I did respond was not even on my blog; it was on Cate's, where one of the comments was from some guy named Steve (hi, Steve! /me waves), saying "you are invited to follow my blog", and my internal reaction was "Fuck you, Steve! You are a world class asshole!", but I don't tend to go around dropping f-bombs on other people's blogs, except maybe Andy's, and I also knew that Cate was not going to respond with the righteous indignation proper to the situation because she is, contrary to popular belief, too polite for that, so I felt the need to speak up on her behalf without the use of the f-word, and I did manage to, but just barely. (Super long but grammatically correct sentence WIN.)

And I get it. There is an aspect of "look how popular I am" involved in blogging for a lot of people. This is either A) not the case for me, or B) (and more likely) I'm really not that good at it or devoted to it. Regardless, it does seem to run rampant. And when a comment is obviously just a ploy to get people to come to the blog of said commenter, I am generally very forgiving, IF- and it's really not a big IF- if the person has taken the time to read my post and then written a comment pertaining to it and then sticks in an advertisement for their own blog, then I am okay with it.

And then there are the times that the comment is just spam. And then there are the times that you get the combination. It looks like just a lame c/p comment and you feel sort of sorry for this loser and then you realize that the link is spam. And then you want to shoot this faker between the eyes.

I am not positive that this user is just a spammy-spammer. I did not follow the "link". No one is to go check! Do not fall into a poorly set trap! But what kind of blogger doesn't have their own blog linked to their profile? Spammers, that's what kind.

Oh, little trashcan icon, you are so tempting.

"But what if, while it is not specific to your current post, it is just an honest reaction to you and not c/p?", you say? (Because I know you speak back to me while you read this.) Oh, contrare, my loves!

What. a. slut. And might I point out that he didn't even become an in-name-only follower of my blog? So, not only is he a slut, but he's like the frat-boy who finishes first and leaves early. He's the not-fun kind of slut. Way to ruin the party, joven.

Dear Discovery OnDemand,

Please, for the love of holy-jesus-stop-scarring-my-children-and-my-retinas, stop stop stop stop playing that commercial for howstuffworks.com where they show the whale being harpooned. I know they're using your own footage. I get the nifty connection, the cross promotion you are doing, but you are making me sad. Seriously sad. What's worse is that you are making my kids sad. What in the mother hell were you thinking? Harpooning whales? Just stop now.

It's like, "Oh, look, a promo for one of their shows about nature... what are they doing? Oh my god, is that a... harpoon? Oh my god... OH MY GOD! The poor whale! OH MY GOD THE BLOOD! Why?! WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THIS?! I just want to watch that show about those people who are pretending to be in the post-nuclear-apocalyptic-virus-ravaged world (which is set in an abandoned warehouse in downtown LA. How fitting. Did you have to do any set moderation, or was it just all how you actually found it?)."

Your people in charge of both OnDemand and Advertising should be fired. Immediately.

Love and killer-whale-eating-your-collective-face,

Sarah

P.S. You people are assholes.

On the one hand, this is what it takes to get some cleaning done.

On the other, of course they only clean to destroy art... or maybe it's to hide the embarrassing fact that they never do clean otherwise. Fifty-fifty?

"So... what do I write on the ticket? That he's not voluntarily cleaning thoroughly enough? Uhm, how about restricting the flow of traffic? No, wait, that's us."

Check out the followup:

I Love My Country (And My Sister Kimberly)

I thought I'd start with that because, well, there are so many ultra-conservative assholes who think that anyone with any-any-any liberal opinions is anti-American. And they are known for reading my blog. Right?

So, yes, this will be a vaguely heavily politics saturated post.

Let's discuss what happened in Massachusetts. That state (you're a state, you bastards. Uppity commonwealth b.s.) just elected a Republican to replace the well-known, well-loved, well-Dem'd Ted Kennedy. (How did Ted become the nickname for Edward? It's further off than Dick is to Richard.) (Although I've known some Richards who were definitely Dicks.)

And that's fine by me. Massachusetts had a message to send. And in our fair democratic (as in democracy) nation, that's exactly what the vote is for. Those politi-bastards in the Capitol need to have their collective ass handed to them every once in a while. Or often. Let's go with often.

And if our government ran like it was supposed to (hey, did you notice the size of that "if"?), i.e. citizens elected a representative (lower case "r") that represented their views and then said representative went to our land's beloved capital and- and here's the kicker- represented those people that voted for him/her, and voted in the best interest of those people- oh, and maybe, say, the rest of the country- well, hell, that would have been a damn fine message for them to send!

Except for the completely effed up "us versus them" mentality of the aforementioned politi-bastards. I'm sure you remember, those in this country who share my United States citizenship (and those who don't) (and those in other countries who learn more about our country than we ever do), from back in your basic school lessons in Government and U.S. History, that we as a nation did not start out with this two-party, my-penis-is-bigger-than-your-penis, elephant-donkey crapola. George Washington not only was not a member of a political party, he was actually opposed to them. Can't imagine why.

Yet here we stand (okay, we're Americans, so here we sit), 13 score and several years later, and we can't get shit for shit done because they're so busy counting sides and no one will step a toe off their party's line because god forbid they think for themselves. Except when it comes to voting themselves a raise. That reminds me. I need to get my coworkers together- see if they'd all like to vote us some cost-of-living wage increases.

So I think we need to help them get out of their own way. Which, I think, is what Massachusetts voters had in mind. But it needs to be broader than a single politician change-over. My very first thought? How about this funny little thing that we have that applies to the presidential office, but, miraculously, not to the Senate or House. That thing is called a "term limit". Why is this a good thing you ask?

Well. You, my lovely readers, are frickin' geniuses. No doubt. However! If you're in public right now, look around. If you're in the office right now, look around. Next time you're in traffic, look around. In the grocery store, in the bank, everywhere you go, every time you watch television, every website you visit- other than this one (and your own, of course). All those people. Those people? Are fucking morons. They cannot be trusted. But the vast majority of them, their votes count just as strongly as yours. And if they see a name they recognize and see a name they don't, they're going with the one they recognize- even if by "recognize", they "vaguely remember that name from a newspaper or something". Like that article about the corrupt politician (redundant, sorry) accepting bribes from the local mob boss. But the fact is, nine times out of ten, the incumbent gets reelected. (No, I'm not citing this stat. You don't just trust me by now?) And, no, this is not all just because of morons. There are other factors. But most of those factors are not "I am so much better than my pathetic opponent". Wouldn't it be great if some of these politi-bastards spent a little less time campaigning and a little more time doing the whole improve-our-country job thingy?

But that would involve putting their country first and themselves second by voting term limits on their own j-o-b-s.

And speaking of campaigning, wouldn't it be fan-frickin'-tastic if we outlawed campaign ads on television? Oh, mygod. My October would be brilliant.

I don't have the energy for this, New Jersey.

Blah blah blah you suck blah blah blah fuckatards, all of you (okay, not 14 of you- the other 20 of you should just sod off) blah blah blah... listen, just go read this. And this.

Oh, and a special double-bird-flip goes out to the backward-out-his-ass-talking Michael Doherty. He's the State Senator from the Washington Township in Warren County. Here's his quote. "Suddenly, today, there's implications that you're discriminating against folks when you want to maintain that definition."

Uhm, yeah. Asshole. If that "definition" you're "maintaining" is "I'm gonna keep it this way because how the hell else can I prove that I'm better than you?" That's exactly what you're doing. Let me reiterate. Asshole. (And, by the by, global warming? Being a skeptic therein? Ass. HOLE.)

And just because somehow there's more about him than New Jersey in general in this post- New Suck Suck Jersey Suck Suck.

Sam says it doesn't count anyway because Washington DC isn't even a state.

So, today, my friend told me it was time for me to write a new post because my lame ass can't seem to post on a regular basis because of the news that Washington DC is legalizing gay marriage.

Which kinda pissed me off. Not at her- she makes a valid point. It's just a damn shame that we have to applaud SIMPLY DOING THE RIGHT THING.

God damn, people.

Fine. Bravo, DC! You did the right thing.

But here's the thing. When you are potty-training your kid, every time they use the toilet properly, you applaud and dance and give out M&M's (holy hell, I just gave a parenting tip). This doesn't last forever, obviously. There is no jar of M&M's in our bathroom- thank gods we are past that. I mean, do you applaud your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend when they don't wet their pants? (If you do, there is the possibility that you need to take a step back from the situation and take another look.) No. And the reason for that is? That is just the way it should be. One more time. That is just the way it should be.

I think the problem is perspective. Equal rights for all seems like a damn near unachievable goal- some gold standard. So sad. In fact, we should be viewing equal rights as mediocrity.

So, hurrah, DC. You have reached the level of mediocrity. You are no longer wearing diapers. You get to go pick out some underoos with Iowa, Connecticut, Vermont and Massachusetts. Oh, and New Hampshire, once they get their collective ass in gear.

That is, assuming the US Congress doesn't fuck it all up. Which they will.

To the rest of the states in our fair marriage union: Get the fuck out of the pampers. Mediocrity. Can you see it? There, way up high over your head?

Eff You, New York

Hey, New York, go join Maine in the corner. Assholes. Ever take a history class? Hell, most of you should remember when our federal government had to make certain states allow interracial marriage. How embarrassing! Imagine being a politician in a state that did something as awful as to not allow two people of different races to marry! Well, you fucktards, that's how history will remember you, too. Have the decency to be ashamed of your actions.

Wow, Maine.

Good job on the trashing of civil liberties and stomping on basic human rights. It's amazing that any seemingly intelligent east coast state could look at California and go, "Hey, now there's an idea! Let's follow those morons!" Way to stick it to the minority. You suck.

French Fries Make Me Happy

That is all.

Hey! (Again)

Washington! Nevada! Utah! Montana! Wyoming! New Mexico! North Dakota! South Dakota! Oklahoma! Iowa! Arkansas! Louisiana! Mississippi! New Hampshire! Maine!

It's like you want me to fail. Stand up and be counted, people! (i.e., Visit my blog. You'll only be smarter after enjoying my brain explosions, I assure you.) Let me think of a good reason And I have a good reason for each of you...

Washington, Seattle's a trendsetter, and here you are, missing this opportunity.

Nevada! I've seen CSI! I know everyone is busy murdering or being murdered, but consider this an escape from your sad reality into my sad reality.

My husband has family in Utah. So we're related! Ish.

Montana, you should visit my blog because I feel really sorry for you on account of that Hannah chick stealing your name.

Hey, Wyoming, on your website (did you know you had one?) it says, "Get a feel for Wyoming." They're serious about this, people. It's in italics. Let me stand up and say, I think it's only fair that, if you get a feel, you should give a feel. Share and share alike, folks.

New Mexico, you kick Old Mexico's ass. Truly.

North Dakota, you rock because you are so above South Dakota.

South Dakota, you rock because you don't have to be near Canada the way North Dakota does.

OOOOOOOO-klahoma where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain! Okay, I'm sure that's what everyone says, but I mean it!

Iowa totally kicked my state's ass in the race to legalize gay marriage. Seriously, who saw that coming?

My grandparents were from Arkansas. So we're related! Ish.

Louisiana, like Italy, you are shaped like a boot (and not like a floppy winter sock- I swear I never said that). That is culture.

Oh, em-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-hump-back-hump-back-eye. Need I say more?

Isn't it enough, New Hampshire, that I noticed you on the map?

My sister has family in Maine! So we're related! Ish!

My sinuses can go straight to hell.

I'm sick. Again. I've narrowed down the cause to one of two things. Either Cate got me sick- the more likely scenario, or all the dust we've created through some minor demo and construction in our house has clogged me up, encouraging a sinus infection. I'm pretty sure it's Cate, though.

I had a bad time at work last night because I felt slightly drunk from the pressure in my head/sinus/ears. A little foggy, a little dizzy. On the positive side, I didn't deal with any crap customers (that I can remember?).

The problem is, I'm finally feeling motivated to get my house really clean, what with some free time due to one of my jobs being over for the season, and with new, fresh construction making me feel inspired. But feeling hellish means that progress going down the drain.

So what to do? Answer: live vicariously through friend Cassie who is not feeling hellish and is also feeling inspired to do some home improvements. Cassie's husband is not happy with my meddling, I think. I encourage Cassie's home-remodeling bug. He needs only hear Cassie say, "Sarah and I have been discussing the kitchen," and the poor man knows his work load is about to explode. I'm pretty sure he hates me dead. Possibly, there is something off in Cassie's and my friendship...

Updated 3: Hey!

Nevada, Utah, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, Hawaii, and Oregon! Do you like being unaccounted for?

Updated: Oregon's off my s**t list! Woohoo! Thanks KlevaBich! Next!

Hello, Vermont!

Thanks, Kansas! I'd name you, blogger who visited from Kansas, but I'm not sure you want to be "outed".

Yet Another Phone-In

Part of an ad from my gmail:

Get tacky and sticky adhesive floor mats to keep dirt out.

Uhm, eww? They need to fire whoever decides their advertising.

Updated to say: I just thought of something. Gmail looked through my email and chose, based on that crap, that this was the ad for me. Double eww.

Yeah, what of it?!

FlutterBy: i have next friday off. it's good frime: ah
yes
no maunday thursday off?FlutterBy: nope
slackers
speaking of slackers
you haven't posted in FOREVERme: what do you want me to post???
did you just call me a slacker!?!?!?FlutterBy: nope
never

Dealt with a woman today...

...who asked me which weighed more- a half-pound that came in a bag or a half-pound that came in a box. I'm so proud of myself. I didn't call her a moron- to her face.

We are Missing a Kind One

When I was in high school, I had this friend, Katya. She was the kind of friend you knew was going to back you up in a bar fight. Okay, so maybe we didn't actually have bar fights. But I'm pretty sure she would have been there for me. At least afterward to commiserate because I don't think she could have been in a fight. She was simply a Kind person, and no one would have felt the need to go head to head with her. She was the Kind that we have an extraordinary lack of in this world- Kind with no regard to her own benefit.

Last summer, after having not really spoken to her for ten years, I passed her on the street. She was walking hand-in-hand with a mini version of her. We did not make eye contact; I knew she didn't see me. And I didn't turn back to say hello to her. I didn't ask her how she liked being a mom. I remember that she was wearing a skirt, and I had a little bit of envy because she looked so pretty and I always hate myself in skirts. I didn't say, "Hey, Katya! It's so good to see you! You're looking pretty! And how is this little one?" I let her, and the moment, pass me by. Something about not wanting to draw attention to myself, to not take up someone else's time, not even one of the Kind ones.

Last week, Katya had her second baby. She was at home, yesterday, caring for this baby, and something went wrong. I'm still not clear on what, but apparently she suddenly started having leg pain, and she went to the emergency room. And from there, they tried to transport her to a different facility. She died in transit. A twenty-nine year old woman, with a husband and two babies.

There is, as there always is, a lesson in there. There is, more specifically, a lesson in there for me- and it's not the "hold your loved ones closer" or "life is short". I'm not sure what it is, yet. I'm going to have to seek it out. I do know that this world is now short another Kind one.

Everyone makes a mark. If you are around me long enough, chances are I will say to you, "Quelle heure est-il?", or, more accurately, through my lips will pass the highly bastardized, "killer-uh-teal?". It's how I ask every time, and often. This has to do with the fact that I'm apparently allergic to watches, and my cell phone is generally wedged into the back pocket of my too-tight jeans... Fourteen years ago:

Katya: What-time-is-it-quelle-heure-est-il?
Me: Sorry?
Katya: What time is it?
Me: Yeah, got that bit. What was the next part?
Katya: Quelle heure est-il? Sorry? I thought you took french. It just means, "What time is it?".
Me, after a pause: So... "what-time-is-it-what-time-is-it"?
Katya, after a pause: Ha. Yep.