Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I also know your birthdays and first lovers' names.

I'm currently in the midst of making cookies for my kids to give out as valentines. I am an awesome stay-at-home-mom. Except for the bit where I don't stay at home when they don't. And I'm sure there are full-time working moms who make cookies for their kids to give out as valentines, too. Get your own blog. Here, I am the only mom on the planet who makes cookies at all, much less for the ankles biters to give to other ankle biters.

But I had a point besides that I am the best mom to ever walk God's Green Earth. For these cookies, I put a little "window" of hard candy in the center. I decided this year I'd make my own hard candy. How hard could it be? Melting sugar is super simple. Right? Right!? This, in case you have no fore-vision whatsoever, is where it all goes wonky. Because I was so busy ooohing over having a visitor to my blog from Sweden (Hi!), the candy burnt all to hell. (That's right, folks, I know where you live. Except you, Andy, I know where you live and work. I'm totally better than you at this stalking crap.)

Where was I? Oh, yes, I am a super awesome mom. Also, I absolutely judge you all based on where you live. Not really. (Yes.) Because I don't judge. Except that I do, but I try not to. In my heart, I know it's wrong to judge anyone. In my heart, I definitely judge people. Especially rude customers. Please don't think for one minute that I spit in your food. Because I don't serve food. On the other hand, I do sell your personal information.

But, really, if you ever met me, you wouldn't think I was a judgy person because I do it all in my head. Because being critical of others (out loud) is a sin. Now that I think of it, though, they said in church school that even if you only think a sin, you are really committing the sin. That doesn't seem right because I can't stop myself from thinking things, but I don't want to go to hell, so I'm only going to judge bad people. Like racists. (I'm looking at you, FlutterBy.)

Dammit, I just burned the second batch.


Lins said...

pictures of cookies!

Call Me Cate said...

Since you seem to be the violent and stalkery type, I'm totally going to say you are definitely the best mom in the world. Except at that whole hard candy thing.

I also judge people in my head. And since I certainly can't control my thoughts, I figure some SupremeBeing is putting those thoughts there so they're really not even my thoughts and I can't be held accountable. So while I'm fairly certain I'm going to hell, it shouldn't be for thoughts that aren't even my own.

BTW - did the cookies end up with hard candy windows or not? Snappies or it never happened.

andy said...

Great, now I'm not only freaked out I think I have to start sleeping with one eye open.

I may have to go incognito. That is A LOT of work. Thanks a bunch.